Chapter
7
When
Connie went up to her bedroom she did what she had not
done for a long time: took off all her clothes, and
looked at herself naked in the huge mirror. She did not
know what she was looking for, or at, very definitely,
yet she moved the lamp till it shone full on her.
And
she thought, as she had thought so often, what a frail,
easily hurt, rather pathetic thing a human body is,
naked; somehow a little unfinished, incomplete!
She
had been supposed to have rather a good figure, but now
she was out of fashion: a little too female, not enough
like an adolescent boy. She was not very tall, a bit
Scottish and short; but she had a certain fluent,
down-slipping grace that might have been beauty. Her
skin was faintly tawny, her limbs had a certain
stillness, her body should have had a full,
down-slipping richness; but it lacked something.
Instead
of ripening its firm, down-running curves, her body was
flattening and going a little harsh. It was as if it had
not had enough sun and warmth; it was a little greyish
and sapless.
Disappointed
of its real womanhood, it had not succeeded in becoming
boyish, and unsubstantial, and transparent; instead it
had gone opaque.
Her
breasts were rather small, and dropping pear-shaped. But
they were unripe, a little bitter, without meaning
hanging there. And her belly had lost the fresh, round
gleam it had had when she was young, in the days of her
German boy, who really loved her physically. Then it was
young and expectant, with a real look of its own. Now it
was going slack, and a little flat, thinner, but with a
slack thinness. Her thighs, too, they used to look so
quick and glimpsy in their female roundness, somehow
they too were going flat, slack, meaningless.
Her
body was going meaningless, going dull and opaque, so
much insignificant substance. It made her feel immensely
depressed and hopeless. What hope was there? She was
old, old at twenty-seven, with no gleam and sparkle in
the flesh. Old through neglect and denial, yes, denial.
Fashionable women kept their bodies bright like delicate
porcelain, by external attention. There was nothing
inside the porcelain; but she was not even as bright as
that. The mental life! Suddenly she hated it with a
rushing fury, the swindle!
She
looked in the other mirror's reflection at her back, her
waist, her loins. She was getting thinner, but to her it
was not becoming. The crumple of her waist at the back,
as she bent back to look, was a little weary; and it
used to be so gay-looking. And the longish slope of her
haunches and her buttocks had lost its gleam and its
sense of richness. Gone! Only the German boy had loved
it, and he was ten years dead, very nearly. How time
went by! Ten years dead, and she was only twenty-seven.
The healthy boy with his fresh, clumsy sensuality that
she had then been so scornful of! Where would she find
it now? It was gone out of men. They had their pathetic,
two-seconds spasms like Michaelis; but no healthy human
sensuality, that warms the blood and freshens the whole
being.
Still
she thought the most beautiful part of her was the
long-sloping fall of the haunches from the socket of the
back, and the slumberous, round stillness of the
buttocks. Like hillocks of sand, the Arabs say, soft and
downward-slipping with a long slope. Here the life still
lingered hoping. But here too she was thinner, and going
unripe, astringent.
But
the front of her body made her miserable. It was already
beginning to slacken, with a slack sort of thinness,
almost withered, going old before it had ever really
lived. She thought of the child she might somehow bear.
Was she fit, anyhow?
She
slipped into her nightdress, and went to bed, where she
sobbed bitterly. And in her bitterness burned a cold
indignation against Clifford, and his writings and his
talk: against all the men of his sort who defrauded a
woman even of her own body.
Unjust!
Unjust! The sense of deep physical injustice burned to
her very soul.
But
in the morning, all the same, she was up at seven, and
going downstairs to Clifford. She had to help him in all
the intimate things, for he had no man, and refused a
woman-servant. The housekeeper's husband, who had known
him as a boy, helped him, and did any heavy lifting; but
Connie did the personal things, and she did them
willingly. It was a demand on her, but she had wanted to
do what she could.
So
she hardly ever went away from Wragby, and never for
more than a day or two; when Mrs Betts, the housekeeper,
attended to Clifford. He, as was inevitable in the
course of time, took all the service for granted. It was
natural he should.
And
yet, deep inside herself, a sense of injustice, of being
defrauded, had begun to burn in Connie. The physical
sense of injustice is a dangerous feeling, once it is
awakened. It must have outlet, or it eats away the one
in whom it is aroused. Poor Clifford, he was not to
blame. His was the greater misfortune. It was all part
of the general catastrophe.
And
yet was he not in a way to blame? This lack of warmth,
this lack of the simple, warm, physical contact, was he
not to blame for that? He was never really warm, nor
even kind, only thoughtful, considerate, in a well-bred,
cold sort of way! But never warm as a man can be warm to
a woman, as even Connie's father could be warm to her,
with the warmth of a man who did himself well, and
intended to, but who still could comfort it woman with a
bit of his masculine glow.
But
Clifford was not like that. His whole race was not like
that. They were all inwardly hard and separate, and
warmth to them was just bad taste. You had to get on
without it, and hold your own; which was all very well
if you were of the same class and race. Then you could
keep yourself cold and be very estimable, and hold your
own, and enjoy the satisfaction of holding it. But if
you were of another class and another race it wouldn't
do; there was no fun merely holding your own, and
feeling you belonged to the ruling class. What was the
point, when even the smartest aristocrats had really
nothing positive of their own to hold, and their rule
was really a farce, not rule at all? What was the point?
It was all cold nonsense.
A
sense of rebellion smouldered in Connie. What was the
good of it all? What was the good of her sacrifice, her
devoting her life to Clifford? What was she serving,
after all? A cold spirit of vanity, that had no warm
human contacts, and that was as corrupt as any low-born
Jew, in craving for prostitution to the bitch-goddess,
Success. Even Clifford's cool and contactless assurance
that he belonged to the ruling class didn't prevent his
tongue lolling out of his mouth, as he panted after the
bitch-goddess. After all, Michaelis was really more
dignified in the matter, and far, far more successful.
Really, if you looked closely at Clifford, he was a
buffoon, and a buffoon is more humiliating than a
bounder.
As
between the two men, Michaelis really had far more use
for her than Clifford had. He had even more need of her.
Any good nurse can attend to crippled legs! And as for
the heroic effort, Michaelis was a heroic rat, and
Clifford was very much of a poodle showing off.
There
were people staying in the house, among them Clifford's
Aunt Eva, Lady Bennerley. She was a thin woman of sixty,
with a red nose, a widow, and still something of a
grande dame. She belonged to one of the best
families, and had the character to carry it off. Connie
liked her, she was so perfectly simple and [rank, as far
as she intended to be frank, and superficially kind.
Inside herself she was a past-mistress in holding her
own, and holding other people a little lower. She was
not at all a snob: far too sure of herself. She was
perfect at the social sport of coolly holding her own,
and making other people defer to her.
She
was kind to Connie, and tried to worm into her woman's
soul with the sharp gimlet of her well-born
observations.
`You're
quite wonderful, in my opinion,' she said to Connie.
`You've done wonders for Clifford. I never saw any
budding genius myself, and there he is, all the rage.'
Aunt Eva was quite complacently proud of Clifford's
success. Another feather in the family cap! She didn't
care a straw about his books, but why should she?
`Oh,
I don't think it's my doing,' said Connie.
`It
must be! Can't be anybody else's. And it seems to me you
don't get enough out of it.'
`How?'
`Look
at the way you are shut up here. I said to Clifford: If
that child rebels one day you'll have yourself to
thank!'
`But
Clifford never denies me anything,' said Connie.
`Look
here, my dear child'---and Lady Bennerley laid her thin
hand on Connie's arm. `A woman has to live her life, or
live to repent not having lived it. Believe me!' And she
took another sip of brandy, which maybe was her form of
repentance.
`But
I do live my life, don't I?'
`Not
in my idea! Clifford should bring you to London, and let
you go about. His sort of friends are all right for him,
but what are they for you? If I were you I should think
it wasn't good enough. You'll let your youth slip by,
and you'll spend your old age, and your middle age too,
repenting it.'
Her
ladyship lapsed into contemplative silence, soothed by
the brandy.
But
Connie was not keen on going to London, and being
steered into the smart world by Lady Bennerley. She
didn't feel really smart, it wasn't interesting. And she
did feel the peculiar, withering coldness under it all;
like the soil of Labrador, which his gay little flowers
on its surface, and a foot down is frozen.
Tommy
Dukes was at Wragby, and another man, Harry Winterslow,
and Jack Strangeways with his wife Olive. The talk was
much more desultory than when only the cronies were
there, and everybody was a bit bored, for the weather
was bad, and there was only billiards, and the pianola
to dance to.
Olive
was reading a book about the future, when babies would
be bred in bottles, and women would be `immunized'.
`Jolly
good thing too!' she said. `Then a woman can live her
own life.' Strangeways wanted children, and she didn't.
`How'd
you like to be immunized?' Winterslow asked her, with an
ugly smile.
`I
hope I am; naturally,' she said. `Anyhow the future's
going to have more sense, and a woman needn't be dragged
down by her functions.'
`Perhaps
she'll float off into space altogether,' said Dukes.
`I
do think sufficient civilization ought to eliminate a
lot of the physical disabilities,' said Clifford. `All
the love-business for example, it might just as well go.
I suppose it would if we could breed babies in bottles.'
`No!'
cried Olive. `That might leave all the more room for
fun.'
`I
suppose,' said Lady Bennerley, contemplatively, `if the
love-business went, something else would take its place.
Morphia, perhaps. A little morphine in all the air. It
would be wonderfully refreshing for everybody.'
`The
government releasing ether into the air on Saturdays,
for a cheerful weekend!' said Jack. `Sounds all right,
but where should we be by Wednesday?'
`So
long as you can forget your body you are happy,' said
Lady Bennerley. `And the moment you begin to be aware of
your body, you are wretched. So, if civilization is any
good, it has to help us to forget our bodies, and then
time passes happily without our knowing it.'
`Help
us to get rid of our bodies altogether,' said Winterslow.
`It's quite time man began to improve on his own nature,
especially the physical side of it.'
`Imagine
if we floated like tobacco smoke,' said Connie.
`It
won't happen,' said Dukes. `Our old show will come flop;
our civilization is going to fall. It's going down the
bottomless pit, down the chasm. And believe me, the only
bridge across the chasm will be the phallus!'
`Oh
do! do be impossible, General!' cried Olive.
`I
believe our civilization is going to collapse,' said
Aunt Eva.
`And
what will come after it?' asked Clifford.
`I
haven't the faintest idea, but something, I suppose,'
said the elderly lady.
`Connie
says people like wisps of smoke, and Olive says
immunized women, and babies in bottles, and Dukes says
the phallus is the bridge to what comes next. I wonder
what it will really be?' said Clifford.
`Oh,
don't bother! let's get on with today,' said Olive.
`Only hurry up with the breeding bottle, and let us poor
women off.'
`There
might even be real men, in the next phase,' said Tommy.
`Real, intelligent, wholesome men, and wholesome nice
women! Wouldn't that be a change, an enormous change
from us? We're not men, and the women aren't
women. We're only cerebrating make-shifts, mechanical
and intellectual experiments. There may even come a
civilization of genuine men and women, instead of our
little lot of clever-jacks, all at the intelligence-age
of seven. It would be even more amazing than men of
smoke or babies in bottles.'
`Oh,
when people begin to talk about real women, I give up,'
said Olive.
`Certainly
nothing but the spirit in us is worth having,' said
Winterslow.
`Spirits!'
said Jack, drinking his whisky and soda.
`Think
so? Give me the resurrection of the body!' said Dukes.
`But
it'll come, in time, when we've shoved the cerebral
stone away a bit, the money and the rest. Then we'll get
a democracy of touch, instead of a democracy of pocket.'
Something
echoed inside Connie: `Give me the democracy of touch,
the resurrection of the body!' She didn't at all know
what it meant, but it comforted her, as meaningless
things may do.
Anyhow
everything was terribly silly, and she was exasperatedly
bored by it all, by Clifford, by Aunt Eva, by Olive and
Jack, and Winterslow, and even by Dukes. Talk, talk,
talk! What hell it was, the continual rattle of it!
Then,
when all the people went, it was no better. She
continued plodding on, but exasperation and irritation
had got hold of her lower body, she couldn't escape. The
days seemed to grind by, with curious painfulness, yet
nothing happened. Only she was getting thinner; even the
housekeeper noticed it, and asked her about herself Even
Tommy Dukes insisted she was not well, though she said
she was all right. Only she began to be afraid of the
ghastly white tombstones, that peculiar loathsome
whiteness of Carrara marble, detestable as false teeth,
which stuck up on the hillside, under Tevershall church,
and which she saw with such grim painfulness from the
park. The bristling of the hideous false teeth of
tombstones on the hill affected her with a grisly kind
of horror. She felt the time not far off when she would
be buried there, added to the ghastly host under the
tombstones and the monuments, in these filthy Midlands.
She
needed help, and she knew it: so she wrote a little cri
du coeur to her sister, Hilda. `I'm not well lately,
and I don't know what's the matter with me.'
Down
posted Hilda from Scotland, where she had taken up her
abode. She came in March, alone, driving herself in a
nimble two-seater. Up the drive she came, tooting up the
incline, then sweeping round the oval of grass, where
the two great wild beech-trees stood, on the flat in
front of the house.
Connie
had run out to the steps. Hilda pulled up her car, got
out, and kissed her sister.
`But
Connie!' she cried. `Whatever is the matter?'
`Nothing!'
said Connie, rather shamefacedly; but she knew how she
had suffered in contrast to Hilda. Both sisters had the
same rather golden, glowing skin, and soft brown hair,
and naturally strong, warm physique. But now Connie was
thin and earthy-looking, with a scraggy, yellowish neck,
that stuck out of her jumper.
`But
you're ill, child!' said Hilda, in the soft, rather
breathless voice that both sisters had alike. Hilda was
nearly, but not quite, two years older than Connie.
`No,
not ill. Perhaps I'm bored,' said Connie a little
pathetically.
The
light of battle glowed in Hilda's face; she was a woman,
soft and still as she seemed, of the old amazon sort,
not made to fit with men.
`This
wretched place!' she said softly, looking at poor, old,
lumbering Wragby with real hate. She looked soft and
warm herself, as a ripe pear, and she was an amazon of
the real old breed.
She
went quietly in to Clifford. He thought how handsome she
looked, but also he shrank from her. His wife's family
did not have his sort of manners, or his sort of
etiquette. He considered them rather outsiders, but once
they got inside they made him jump through the hoop.
He
sat square and well-groomed in his chair, his hair sleek
and blond, and his face fresh, his blue eyes pale, and a
little prominent, his expression inscrutable, but
well-bred. Hilda thought it sulky and stupid, and he
waited. He had an air of aplomb, but Hilda didn't care
what he had an air of; she was up in arms, and if he'd
been Pope or Emperor it would have been just the same.
`Connie's
looking awfully unwell,' she said in her soft voice,
fixing him with her beautiful, glowering grey eyes. She
looked so maidenly, so did Connie; but he well knew the
tone of Scottish obstinacy underneath.
`She's
a little thinner,' he said.
`Haven't
you done anything about it?'
`Do
you think it necessary?' he asked, with his suavest
English stiffness, for the two things often go together.
Hilda
only glowered at him without replying; repartee was not
her forte, nor Connie's; so she glowered, and he was
much more uncomfortable than if she had said things.
`I'll
take her to a doctor,' said Hilda at length. `Can you
suggest a good one round here?'
`I'm
afraid I can't.'
`Then
I'll take her to London, where we have a doctor we
trust.'
Though
boiling with rage, Clifford said nothing.
`I
suppose I may as well stay the night,' said Hilda,
pulling off her gloves, `and I'll drive her to town
tomorrow.'
Clifford
was yellow at the gills with anger, and at evening the
whites of his eyes were a little yellow too. He ran to
liver. But Hilda was consistently modest and maidenly.
`You
must have a nurse or somebody, to look after you
personally. You should really have a manservant,' said
Hilda as they sat, with apparent calmness, at coffee
after dinner. She spoke in her soft, seemingly gentle
way, but Clifford felt she was hitting him on the head
with a bludgeon.
`You
think so?' he said coldly.
`I'm
sure! It's necessary. Either that, or Father and I must
take Connie away for some months. This can't go on.'
`What
can't go on?'
`Haven't
you looked at the child!' asked Hilda, gazing at him
full stare. He looked rather like a huge, boiled
crayfish at the moment; or so she thought.
`Connie
and I will discuss it,' he said.
`I've
already discussed it with her,' said Hilda.
Clifford
had been long enough in the hands of nurses; he hated
them, because they left him no real privacy. And a
manservant!...he couldn't stand a man hanging round him.
Almost better any woman. But why not Connie?
The
two sisters drove off in the morning, Connie looking
rather like an Easter lamb, rather small beside Hilda,
who held the wheel. Sir Malcolm was away, but the
Kensington house was open.
The
doctor examined Connie carefully, and asked her all
about her life. `I see your photograph, and Sir
Clifford's, in the illustrated papers sometimes. Almost
notorieties, aren't you? That's how the quiet little
girls grow up, though you're only a quiet little girl
even now, in spite of the illustrated papers. No, no!
There's nothing organically wrong, but it won't do! It
won't do! Tell Sir Clifford he's got to bring you to
town, or take you abroad, and amuse you. You've got to
be amused, got to! Your vitality is much too low; no
reserves, no reserves. The nerves of the heart a bit
queer already: oh, yes! Nothing but nerves; I'd put you
right in a month at Cannes or Biarritz. But it mustn't
go on, mustn't, I tell you, or I won't be
answerable for consequences. You're spending your life
without renewing it. You've got to be amused, properly,
healthily amused. You're spending your vitality without
making any. Can't go on, you know. Depression! Avoid
depression!'
Hilda
set her jaw, and that meant something.
Michaelis
heard they were in town, and came running with roses.
`Why, whatever's wrong?' he cried. `You're a shadow of
yourself. Why, I never saw such a change! Why ever
didn't you let me know? Come to Nice with me! Come down
to Sicily! Go on, come to Sicily with me. It's lovely
there just now. You want sun! You want life! Why, you're
wasting away! Come away with me! Come to Africa! Oh,
hang Sir Clifford! Chuck him, and come along with me.
I'll marry you the minute he divorces you. Come along
and try a life! God's love! That place Wragby would kill
anybody. Beastly place! Foul place! Kill anybody! Come
away with me into the sun! It's the sun you want, of
course, and a bit of normal life.'
But
Connie's heart simply stood still at the thought of
abandoning Clifford there and then. She couldn't do it.
No...no! She just couldn't. She had to go back to Wragby.
Michaelis
was disgusted. Hilda didn't like Michaelis, but she almost
preferred him to Clifford. Back went the sisters to the
Midlands.
Hilda
talked to Clifford, who still had yellow eyeballs when
they got back. He, too, in his way, was overwrought; but
he had to listen to all Hilda said, to all the doctor
had said, not what Michaelis had said, of course, and he
sat mum through the ultimatum.
`Here
is the address of a good manservant, who was with an
invalid patient of the doctor's till he died last month.
He is really a good man, and fairly sure to come.'
`But
I'm not an invalid, and I will not have a
manservant,' said Clifford, poor devil.
`And
here are the addresses of two women; I saw one of them,
she would do very well; a woman of about fifty, quiet,
strong, kind, and in her way cultured...'
Clifford
only sulked, and would not answer.
`Very
well, Clifford. If we don't settle something by
to-morrow, I shall telegraph to Father, and we shall
take Connie away.'
`Will
Connie go?' asked Clifford.
`She
doesn't want to, but she knows she must. Mother died of
cancer, brought on by fretting. We're not running any
risks.'
So
next day Clifford suggested Mrs Bolton, Tevershall
parish nurse. Apparently Mrs Betts had thought of her.
Mrs Bolton was just retiring from her parish duties to
take up private nursing jobs. Clifford had a queer dread
of delivering himself into the hands of a stranger, but
this Mrs Bolton had once nursed him through scarlet
fever, and he knew her.
The
two sisters at once called on Mrs Bolton, in a newish
house in a row, quite select for Tevershall. They found
a rather good-looking woman of forty-odd, in a nurse's
uniform, with a white collar and apron, just making
herself tea in a small crowded sitting-room.
Mrs
Bolton was most attentive and polite, seemed quite nice,
spoke with a bit of a broad slur, but in heavily correct
English, and from having bossed the sick colliers for a
good many years, had a very good opinion of herself, and
a fair amount of assurance. In short, in her tiny way,
one of the governing class in the village, very much
respected.
`Yes,
Lady Chatterley's not looking at all well! Why, she used
to be that bonny, didn't she now? But she's been failing
all winter! Oh, it's hard, it is. Poor Sir Clifford! Eh,
that war, it's a lot to answer for.'
And
Mrs Bolton would come to Wragby at once, if Dr Shardlow
would let her off. She had another fortnight's parish
nursing to do, by rights, but they might get a
substitute, you know.
Hilda
posted off to Dr Shardlow, and on the following Sunday
Mrs Bolton drove up in Leiver's cab to Wragby with two
trunks. Hilda had talks with her; Mrs Bolton was ready
at any moment to talk. And she seemed so young! The way
the passion would flush in her rather pale cheek. She
was forty-seven.
Her
husband, Ted Bolton, had been killed in the pit,
twenty-two years ago, twenty-two years last Christmas,
just at Christmas time, leaving her with two children,
one a baby in arms. Oh, the baby was married now, Edith,
to a young man in Boots Cash Chemists in Sheffield. The
other one was a schoolteacher in Chesterfield; she came
home weekends, when she wasn't asked out somewhere.
Young folks enjoyed themselves nowadays, not like when
she, Ivy Bolton, was young.
Ted
Bolton was twenty-eight when lie was killed in an
explosion down th' pit. The butty in front shouted to
them all to lie down quick, there were four of them. And
they all lay down in time, only Ted, and it killed him.
Then at the inquiry, on the masters' side they said Ted
had been frightened, and trying to run away, and not
obeying orders, so it was like his fault really. So the
compensation was only three hundred pounds, and they
made out as if it was more of a gift than legal
compensation, because it was really the man's own fault.
And they wouldn't let her have the money down; she
wanted to have a little shop. But they said she'd no
doubt squander it, perhaps in drink! So she had to draw
it thirty shillings a week. Yes, she had to go every
Monday morning down to the offices, and stand there a
couple of hours waiting her turn; yes, for almost four
years she went every Monday. And what could she do with
two little children on her hands? But Ted's mother was
very good to her. When the baby could toddle she'd keep
both the children for the day, while she, Ivy Bolton,
went to Sheffield, and attended classes in ambulance,
and then the fourth year she even took a nursing course
and got qualified. She was determined to be independent
and keep her children. So she was assistant at Uthwaite
hospital, just a little place, for a while. But when the
Company, the Tevershall Colliery Company, really Sir
Geoffrey, saw that she could get on by herself, they
were very good to her, gave her the parish nursing, and
stood by her, she would say that for them. And she'd
done it ever since, till now it was getting a bit much
for her; she needed something a bit lighter, there was
such a lot of traipsing around if you were a district
nurse.
`Yes,
the Company's been very good to me, I always say
it. But I should never forget what they said about Ted,
for he was as steady and fearless a chap as ever set
foot on the cage, and it was as good as branding him a
coward. But there, he was dead, and could say nothing to
none of 'em.'
It
was a queer mixture of feelings the woman showed as she
talked. She liked the colliers, whom she had nursed for
so long; but she felt very superior to them. She felt
almost upper class; and at the same time a resentment
against the ruling class smouldered in her. The masters!
In a dispute between masters and men, she was always for
the men. But when there was no question of contest, she
was pining to be superior, to be one of the upper class.
The upper classes fascinated her, appealing to her
peculiar English passion for superiority. She was
thrilled to come to Wragby; thrilled to talk to Lady
Chatterley, my word, different from the common colliers'
wives! She said so in so many words. Yet one could see a
grudge against the Chatterleys peep out in her; the
grudge against the masters.
`Why,
yes, of course, it would wear Lady Chatterley out! It's
a mercy she had a sister to come and help her. Men don't
think, high and low-alike, they take what a woman does
for them for granted. Oh, I've told the colliers off
about it many a time. But it's very hard for Sir
Clifford, you know, crippled like that. They were always
a haughty family, standoffish in a way, as they've a
right to be. But then to be brought down like that! And
it's very hard on Lady Chatterley, perhaps harder on
her. What she misses! I only had Ted three years, but my
word, while I had him I had a husband I could never
forget. He was one in a thousand, and jolly as the day.
Who'd ever have thought he'd get killed? I don't believe
it to this day somehow, I've never believed it, though I
washed him with my own hands. But he was never dead for
me, he never was. I never took it in.'
This
was a new voice in Wragby, very new for Connie to hear;
it roused a new ear in her.
For
the first week or so, Mrs Bolton, however, was very
quiet at Wragby, her assured, bossy manner left her, and
she was nervous. With Clifford she was shy, almost
frightened, and silent. He liked that, and soon
recovered his self-possession, letting her do things for
him without even noticing her.
`She's
a useful nonentity!' he said. Connie opened her eyes in
wonder, but she did not contradict him. So different are
impressions on two different people!
And
he soon became rather superb, somewhat lordly with the
nurse. She had rather expected it, and he played up
without knowing. So susceptible we are to what is
expected of us! The colliers had been so like children,
talking to her, and telling her what hurt them, while
she bandaged them, or nursed them. They had always made
her feel so grand, almost super-human in her
administrations. Now Clifford made her feel small, and
like a servant, and she accepted it without a word,
adjusting herself to the upper classes.
She
came very mute, with her long, handsome face, and
downcast eyes, to administer to him. And she said very
humbly: `Shall I do this now, Sir Clifford? Shall I do
that?'
`No,
leave it for a time. I'll have it done later.'
`Very
well, Sir Clifford.'
`Come
in again in half an hour.'
`Very
well, Sir Clifford.'
`And
just take those old papers out, will you?'
`Very
well, Sir Clifford.'
She
went softly, and in half an hour she came softly again.
She was bullied, but she didn't mind. She was
experiencing the upper classes. She neither resented nor
disliked Clifford; he was just part of a phenomenon, the
phenomenon of the high-class folks, so far unknown to
her, but now to be known. She felt more at home with
Lady Chatterley, and after all it's the mistress of the
house matters most.
Mrs
Bolton helped Clifford to bed at night, and slept across
the passage from his room, and came if he rang for her
in the night. She also helped him in the morning, and
soon valeted him completely, even shaving him, in her
soft, tentative woman's way. She was very good and
competent, and she soon knew how to have him in her
power. He wasn't so very different from the colliers
after all, when you lathered his chin, and softly rubbed
the bristles. The stand-offishness and the lack of
frankness didn't bother her; she was having a new
experience.
Clifford,
however, inside himself, never quite forgave Connie for
giving up her personal care of him to a strange hired
woman. It killed, he said to himself, the real flower of
the intimacy between him and her. But Connie didn't mind
that. The fine flower of their intimacy was to her
rather like an orchid, a bulb stuck parasitic on her
tree of life, and producing, to her eyes, a rather
shabby flower.
Now
she had more time to herself she could softly play the
piano, up in her room, and sing: `Touch not the nettle,
for the bonds of love are ill to loose.' She had not
realized till lately how ill to loose they were, these
bonds of love. But thank Heaven she had loosened them!
She was so glad to be alone, not always to have to talk
to him. When he was alone he tapped-tapped-tapped on a
typewriter, to infinity. But when he was not `working',
and she was there, he talked, always talked; infinite
small analysis of people and motives, and results,
characters and personalities, till now she had had
enough. For years she had loved it, until she had
enough, and then suddenly it was too much. She was
thankful to be alone.
It
was as if thousands and thousands of little roots and
threads of consciousness in him and her had grown
together into a tangled mass, till they could crowd no
more, and the plant was dying. Now quietly, subtly, she
was unravelling the tangle of his consciousness and
hers, breaking the threads gently, one by one, with
patience and impatience to get clear. But the bonds of
such love are more ill to loose even than most bonds;
though Mrs Bolton's coming had been a great help.
But
he still wanted the old intimate evenings of talk with
Connie: talk or reading aloud. But now she could arrange
that Mrs Bolton should come at ten to disturb them. At
ten o'clock Connie could go upstairs and be alone.
Clifford was in good hands with Mrs Bolton.
Mrs
Bolton ate with Mrs Betts in the housekeeper's room,
since they were all agreeable. And it was curious how
much closer the servants' quarters seemed to have come;
right up to the doors of Clifford's study, when before
they were so remote. For Mrs Betts would sometimes sit
in Mrs Bolton's room, and Connie heard their lowered
voices, and felt somehow the strong, other vibration of
the working people almost invading the sitting-room,
when she and Clifford were alone. So changed was Wragby
merely by Mrs Bolton's coming.
And
Connie felt herself released, in another world, she felt
she breathed differently. But still she was afraid of
how many of her roots, perhaps mortal ones, were tangled
with Clifford's. Yet still, she breathed freer, a new
phase was going to begin in her life. |